Notes from January at the House of Formation in Rome

Witness by John Roderick for the Month of January
February 11, 2009

January proved to be a very interesting month at the House of Formation in Rome. The month began in the Lake Como area, about an hour north of Milan, where I went to spend a week of vacation after Christmas with a fellow first year novitiate candidate, Umberto Tagliaferri. We flew from Rome early on the morning of the 27th of December, it was quite a funny morning, Umberto did not tell Giuliano that we were flying from the Ciampino airport until we were in the car at five o’clock in the morning. The Ciampino airport is much further away than the one at Fiumicino, Giuliano was shocked and burst out some obscene Italian saying, probably “va fancoullo”, he has got quite a loose tongue. During the Angelus on the way to the airport, I could not keep a straight face and burst out laughing. I was a little bit shocked that Umberto had not told him. We arrived in Milano, and took a bus to the central train station, which would be our home base during the visit of the city. After putting our bags in the luggage storage at the station, we left for the Duomo Basilica, we arrived just in time for Mass, Ambrosian Liturgy, just before the first reading. The Church was incredible, very different from the many other Churches I have visited in Rome and other parts of Europe, thanks again Mom for encouraging and financing my trip around western Europe in 2003. After Mass, we toured the Church for while and prayed near the crypt of San Carlo Borromeo, unfortunately it was too early in the morning and the crypt was not yet open. The statues around the Church tell the story of the Church, there must be a couple hundred statues. After leaving the Church, we went to Vitoria Emmanuelle square for breakfast, at one of the best bars in the city, we treated ourselves to cappuccino’s and pastries. We then walked around the city for the better part of the morning, and visited the tomb of St. Ambrose. This was a remarkable site that used to be the home of a monastery, very interesting courtyards and interior. It is too bad that I am writing this witness over a month after the visit to Milan. Other highlights include accidently bumping into Luca Cavalone , Memores house in Montreal, at the cemetery where don Luigi Giussani is buried. I was very happy to see him, and get caught up with the happenings of the CL Montreal community. The grave site is beautiful, and it had to be moved from its original spot because there were too many people coming to pray and venerate this great teacher. I have a nice picture of Luca, and I that I hope I can make available. We were hosted during the day by Umberto’s friend, Niccola –who works for the AC Milan soccer team, we got to meet his parents and his brother who were absolutely sweet. I took a real liking to his dad, who shared his experience of the CL movement growing up in Milan, and his work as a high school philosophy teacher. I also met two friends from the Memores community, Andrea and Giovanni, Giovanni was instrumental in Umberto’s conversion, and encouraged him to meet with a priest who follows the CL charism, which led to him requesting to enter the Fraternity of San Carlo. It was great to meet these people, for it has helped me to better understand Umberto, and the fact that it is through others, our friends and families, that help to reveal who one truly is. I remember thinking to myself, that I had seen a whole new side of Umberto during the week in the Lake Como area. There are too many highlights from the vacation, but a couple include, 1) Playing tennis on indoor courts, 2) Going skiing at Bormio, the day after a the slopes had hosted a World Cup Ski event, 3) Going to a Spa, a series of about 10 different pools, saunas and hot rocks you get to walk on, Umberto putting ice in my bathing suit, 4) Meeting Umberto’s family, his mother and two sisters, his brother was away but I had the privilege to meet him when he came to Rome in the fall. 5) Meeting and going out to dinner with Umberto’s benefactors, 6) The common life together during those days with Max (former seminarian), Andrea, Giovanni, Niccola, Guido. We ate really well, relaxed a whole bunch, and the Lake Como area is in the mountainous area so I got to enjoy the cool crisp air, snow on the ground and in the air, walking to our apartment on New Year’s eve there was a light dusting of snow in the air. I was reminded of home in Saint John. One last thing is the chapel, it was so cute. The old ladies of the community would arrive an hour before the Mass to ring the large bells, this announces to the community that there will be a Mass in an hour’s time, they then ring the bell a half hour prior. At the scheduled time of the Mass, about 20 of us were snuggled into this little chapel and had to wait a good ten minutes for the priest to arrive. The community is built on a hillside, and the houses are very small, all stone made, cobblestone pathways between the houses. I enjoyed the ambiance very much. We would return to the house of formation on Friday January 2nd, in time for Mass during the evening.

A note from my notepad 30/12/2008

Tuesday morning at Umberto’s home at Lake Como, the second week of Christmas vacation from the FSCB seminary. I have decided to limit this entry to the Christmas vacation, concentrate on a couple main events.

Following the end of the year Christmas party, everyone or most of the seminarians packed up and left for their respective homes following the 7am Mass. Lavelli cooked up a feast with a couple of helpers, we sang some songs, skits and then broke out the songbooks, it was great. The fact that I don’t share a similar history will forever remain, but I am learning that I am part of something bigger that takes up their and my respective history. Somehow their history, culture are mine, and are taken up through my fraternal friendship. I am happy that this will only grow in time, the more I embody the other and his difference. Initially, there was a great feeling of nostalgia for not being home, with family and friends and with what is familiar, with the seminary virtually empty and me alone in my room not sure what I should do, or think about at this time. An older seminarian, Marco Basile made a great effort to encourage me to live these days with a fullness, to seek Christ’s presence in the silence and solitude, and alones. The meals during these past days were very good, smaller and much more intimate, we feasted on the remaining wine and the cooks baked Christmas goodies for us, almost daily. We were asked to run the International Welcoming House during the week, and be available to answer any questions or calls to the house. I initially thought that this time was going to be negative, but I decided to make a judgment on its positivity, being asked to remain in Italy and knowing that this was an opportunity given to me to better understand my life and vocation.

Jonah lent me O’Brien’s Sofia House which I read in a couple of days, and I finished Claudel’s L’Annonce à Marie. Both were first class pieces of literature, and recently finished Danielou’s Il Mistero de Salvazioni dei Nazioni…All are helping me to better understand what I am living and the proposal in front of me.
I spent a couple of hours working on and cleaning up my blog. This is a tool that I enjoy using to help navigate to the sites I frequently use, as well, post interesting articles, or links that catch my interest. Pictures from my life in Rome, and of my brothers in the Fraternity. Since Lopez’s lecture the theme of technology has been on my mind, questions about position and availability in front of reality, ability and availability for silence, power, love, possession, dominion, gift, and creation, original experiences, Gensis, time, suffering and the body.
During the days, Zardine, Umberto, Konrad, Azaline, Giacomo and Agapitus were present. We got to learn how Konrad and Agapitus met CL and the Fraternity. Great witnesses and stories. The time spent together helps me to better recognize their humanity, their beauty and childlikeness. A couple of us would go running together daily, in the beautiful park, almost to green to actually think that it is Christmas. However, at night we can see the Christmas lights on the surrounding houses.

On the 27th, at 4:50am, Umberto knocked on my door, I had completely forgot of the need to get up and go to the airport. I responded, Vieni Signore Gesu, I was dreaming about the passage that says God is knocking on our, the door of our hearts and waiting patiently for our response. Giuliano was surprised that we needed to go to the Ciampino airport.

Later in the day, we drove around the city trying to find an air gun for Max, and had a great lunch at the Memores House, Andrea and Giovanni. Visited Giussani’s tomb, where I met Luca, his brother and aunt. What a beautiful tomb. Mary, sign and witness of our hope.

We met Umberto’s mother Saturday evening at the house where Andrea, Giovanni, Max and Guido would be staying. After a delicious supper Umberto and I went to our little apartment, where we would be staying for the week. Walking down to the apartment, we got to share a couple of things, and pray at the nativity scene made in a real stable.

After lunch the following day at Umberto’s sister’s restaurant…Returning back to our place of rest for the week, I took some time to stack the wood and afterward go for a walk to do silence. I was picked up on the road, to go play tennis, I played against Andrea, it was a lot of fun.

We decided to go skiing the next day, we left at 7am and arrived close to 9:30am. Niccolo thought I was going to be an expert skier, Max teased me, and said that I spent more time on my ass then on my feet. The first run down the hill was brutal. I fell, and fell, and fell, and wiped out completely, maybe 15-20 times, rolled down the hill. The mountain was 3000 feet long, I really did go down half the hill on my ass. Andrea was a great help, to teach me the fundamentals, how to brake, stand up, and curve, my body is very sore today. I decided to stay on the smaller hill for the rest of the morning, 1500 m long, and after two runs with Andrea, I started to pick it up and ski without any help and difficulty. My right knee is severely sprained, but well worth it, I know from my running experience what the body is capable of. Niccolo and I went down together to close the day, it has been great getting to know him, share our lives together for a couple of days. I enjoyed telling people about CL on the chairlift, a kid crashed into me, twice on the hills. The mountains were incredible, lots of people on the slopes, was very surprised to see how good some of the young kids are at getting down the hill. Snowboards and all. Thought afterward about my uncle Paul, and godmother Janie. Hopefully, I will be able to go skiing with them in the future. Was soaked, very wet, hands like ice, but loved all of it, takes a lot of courage to keep getting back up, at times almost too difficult to get up, knowing how much it hurt, and how long and far away I was from the bottom of the hill. A World Cup ski event took place the previous day.
End of note

In general, January proved to be a challenging month, one of much personal growth, sacrifice and struggle as I continue to grow in my understanding of God’s mission in leading me to the Fraternity of San Carlo. However, I think that the struggle has only helped me to better understand the greatness of what is at stake with a vocation to the priesthood, and with the Fraternity of San Carlo. I am becoming more aware that I don’t necessary like having to struggle with my uncertainty (place within) of the community, with friendships and with my sense of belonging. I remember going through a period where I had not ever asked God to make himself present to me, in the common life and friendships I live with the guys in the house. As I look back on this experience, I am grateful that I had to endure this difficult time for it has shed light on the need to really beg the mystery to make himself present, and to give me the grace to recognize his presence in my life. As well, the bearing to light the work and effort involved in growing in a community, and vocational environment. Who would have ever thought that life was difficult, and challenging, guess that comes with following the way of the cross. I have noticed at times, that I am hesitant to fully enter into the communal life, worried that I may not be accepted or welcomed, or that I may get hurt or made fun of. This recognition has been a help, since it is only in going out of myself and fully entering the common life, taking this risk, that I will discover myself and be free. It is great to know that my freedom is not something that I can manipulate or control, but a work, a going out of myself and being with the other guys in the house. I will find my freedom to the extent that I meet Christ present in the other, the boys in the house. My freedom is a response to another who wants to make himself present in the flesh of another. I remember being very moved a couple of weeks ago, talking to my father, who mentioned that he is coming to terms with me being in Rome, and my search for freedom and personal growth. He mentioned that he has discovered his freedom, only in and through his relations with his wife and five children. The work and struggle, and many sacrifices they made together. It is the community that has been given to him where the Mystery has taken flesh and made himself present. This has been a great help for me, and often on my heart. It is a privilege that in some way God has helped my father to experience this true liberation, through me being away, or at least becoming more aware of this gift. My family experience is a dominant one by which I view and understand and judge what I live.

At the house encounter, meeting, don Massimo spoke about the importance of really taking seriously this time of formation. To not hide anything, and to live and give everything you got to the community. He made reference to the parable of the talents, that we are here to multiply what we have been given, and not hide and bury what we got in the sand. We will experience the hundredfold growth in our personality and freedom to the extent that we work on our lives and relationship with Christ. He really excited me about this search for my destiny, for the search for my freedom and personality. I kept thinking of St. Augustine and trials and tribulations he had to endure in his search for freedom and the truth of God and of himself. It is safe to say that I will not struggle and become a Manichee while in Rome, or at least I hope not. I had a lot of fun preparing for the Patristic Philosophy exam, and read the general audiences by the Holy Father on the life of Augustine, he has become a model for me, during these days in the house of formation.
The text of the school of community, the chapter on Hope, has been a great help to understand and interpret what I am living. I seem to struggle with the temptations that Giussani highlights. My prayer has been for the growth of my disponibility for the project God has for my life, and to grow in my certainty of the positivity of my relationship with the Mystery. I struggle in the area of patience, waiting and suffering as I grow in the culture and the friendships with the guys in the house. I wonder why my sense of belonging has not grown faster, or why certain friendships have been so slow to develop. However, I do trust that all of these will come together accordingly. It is great to have encountered Christ, a present reality that enables me to have the certainty of the positivity of the future, a future full of love and the generosity of a loving Father.

A couple of the highlights of the month include, 1) Meeting up with Sean and Becca Lewis (friends from Quincy Street), 2) Meeting up with Antonio Lopez, 3) The Epiphany, and rebirth, 3b) Birthday, 4) Meeting on the importance of Psychology in the formation of priests, 5) Direzione Spirituale, 6) Receiving Christmas and Birthday packages, and letters, 7) Marcello Pera’s visit to the house, 8) Festa Ammissioni agli Ordini, San Pietro 9) Italian language teacher, 10) Incontro della Casa, 11) Winter exams and studying together, 12) Reading Ratzinger’s book on priestly formation, 13) John Paul II Conference, and Parish Mission, 14) St. Theresa and Maurice, and Micheal O’ Brien’s book on the family.

1) Before leaving for Lake Como, I was blessed to be made aware that two of my friends from Washington, Sean and Becca Lewis, along with the University of Dallas Choir would be in Rome during the Christmas Holidays to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the choir’s founding. We met up for Mass at the San Prasede Basilica, a beautiful church near Santa Maria Maggiore, along via Merulana, between San Giovanni Laterano (I had toured this church back in the fall with the guys from the house, Lavelli explained many of the special characters of the icons and the column where Jesus was scourged, and the burial of a couple of martyrs here) and Santa Maria Maggiore. When I arrived the UD choir was in the back of the church preparing, I spotted Sean and Becca, and I remember being a little bit giddy. During the Christmas and winter season, I experienced a lot of nostalgia for family and friends, this was my first winter away. During the Mass, the choir was incredible, singing the parts of the Mass beautifully. I remember being in awe looking at the mosaics and other icons present in the Church. It was great to meet up afterward, Sean has a great knowledge of Rome and Church history, he explained a couple of the highlights and I added a few words here and there. They are expecting their second child, and Sean is still teaching at CUA and regularly making an appearance at the Quincy St. House. I learned that the Quincy St. band has really taken off, and are now playing back up for Stella Schindler. It was great to meet another seminarian friend from UD, who is finishing up his Licentiate here in Rome. We talked together with Sean for the better part of the morning. Afterward, the choir walked over to Santa Maria Maggiore and following the Mass entered the Church and sing a couple of hymns in the baptistery, as well, in front of the main altar, and in the small Marian chapel left of the main altar. This was a wonderful experience, to be with friends and through their choral music be brought to contemplate the mystery. I was able to stop and pray before the crib from the stable in Bethlehem, it currently is incased in gold. Afterward, we all went out to lunch together with a couple of the UD choir members, and then visited nearby church, San Pietro in Vincoli. This was a great day, I got to see the chains which Peter was locked up in prison, and the famous statue of Moses. I bought two postcards, and sent them to Guen and Raf and Mat.

2) Returning home that afternoon, I briefly saw my good friend Antonio Lopez in the park while out running. I was not aware, but he had come to the house during the day. He had been in Rome for meetings with the heads of our community. I remember briefly telling him about my day with my friends from Quincy Street, and the UD choir, and how beautiful the experience of their choral music was. As I was continuing my run, he playfully told me to have fun. These words I often came back to during the month, I remember thinking that my passion for life, joie de vivre, will not be taken away by God, that it will only further be deepened and matured as I grow in my relationship with Christ. At times, I have wondered what a vocation to the priesthood means in light of having fun, and living joyfully, it is very easy to think that God wants men that have given up having fun, and living life to the full, but this is the complete opposite. This is one of the special things that have attracted me to the Fraternity of San Carlo, their passion for life, and the fullness of humanity.

3) The Feast of the Epiphany, the visit of the three wise men to Jesus, bringing gifts. During the day I was brought more deeply into the experience of what it means to come from a far, to adore the baby Jesus. I remember being deeply moved by the homily given by Jonah, and looking around and seeing my brother seminarians from other countries, all united because of the Christ child, all of us bringing ourselves, and our many gifts and talents to lay before our King. This experience helped to ease the nostalgia of being far away from home, and recognize that I am part of the same project God initiated many years ago. I remember thinking to myself, that this event, day, was like a rebirth for me, a new scope by which to view and understand what I have met and the reasonableness of me being in Rome at the house of formation. An experience that brought light to my memory of my experiences, the key ones that enabled me to decide to ask and come to Rome, helped to clarify a couple of the things I was struggling with, and reveal God’s hand and presence in my life. A couple of days later, I was blessed to share this experience with Jonah, and complement him for sharing his inspiration.

4) I celebrated my 26th birthday on the first day back to school. The guys all wished me well, and before lunch they made an announcement to everyone in the dining hall. One of the Italian traditions, is that on your birthday you must provide the treat or specialty for the rest of the guys in the house, this was news to me. However, no one made a fit, and we had a nice lunch together. I was a little hesitant to make news of my birthday, a little unsure of the response, and desire for attention. I did enjoy very much having everyone come over to me and wish me well. It was very different from all previous birthdays, however, an experience that I will grow into pian piano. I was blessed to have the opportunity to make a few calls, I was a little frustrated that I could not touch base with everyone I wanted to, but I remember talking to my good friends Mateush and Raf, and calling Soultrain –Joe Trainor. I was also excited to receive birthday greetings from friends through email and facebook.

5) During the span of two weeks after my birthday, I was blessed to receive packages and cards from my family and a couple of friends wishing me birthday greetings. I remember being all giddy receiving the family calendar with a picture of the vice-rector on the second page, the books, Coldplay cd, and cards and drawings, a Globe and Mail. My family and friends thoughtfulness and generosity was a beautiful sign of God’s generosity and love for my life. Being away, one is able to recognize more fully the gifted character of life, of what has been given so freely to me over the years. I am a lot more grateful than before I left. I enjoyed reading through the Michael O’Brien book on the family and fatherhood, the letters between Saint Therese of Lisieux and a struggling French seminarian, and the book by Wendell Berry, The Miracle of Life was excellent, a critique of contemporary culture. I read the Globe and Mail over the course of two weekends, getting up early and reading in my room before morning Mass. I was excited to show don Massimo, and the other guys in the house, including the two vice rectors, the family calendar and pictures that were sent. I have Carol’s drawing posted on my bulletin board, and along with a couple of pictures, the one of the five kids at Disney Land, and the one of Grampy and I. It is great to be reminded of the tradition and history that I am a part of, being born into a particularly family with a particular history and culture sure explains a lot about who I am, and how I think. I received cards from the Bishop of Saint John, as well as from Aaron Knox and my friend Laura Galbraith, and a couple of others.

6) Marcello Pera came to the house for a meeting an explanation of his book on the history and fundamentals of Liberalism. I enjoyed meeting him very much, and many of the guys families were present. The next day was to be a major celebration for 7 of the guys receiving the permission to wear the roman collar, and make am initial commitment to the Fraternity. We prepared throughout the weekend, very similar to the Feast of San Carlo Borromeo in November. However, this celebration was much more personal since it was my brothers, seven men that I have known since last spring that made their commitment to the community, and now wear clerical clothing daily. To see them make their commitment to the community, their yes to the evidence God has revealed to them, and the joy of standing in front of their family and friends and the community and saying yes to the project of God. This was very special. I remember in particular my good friend Diego, from Mexico, back in November he was in my room and noticed a prayer card I had received from the Poor Clares of Perpetual Adoration in Washington, of Our Lady of Guadalupe, and he was really excited and at the same time a little down because he does not have one, as well, a little nostalgia for his homeland. He always tells me, he hopes to get a Mexican flag, to match and go along with my Canadian one. Well, the next week I wrote the Poor Clares and let them in on the situation, without telling all the details, they responded with two different prayer cards of Our Lady. The before he was to make his commitment to the community, I snuck into his room and placed a note and the prayer card under pillow. He mentioned to me the next day that it had meant a lot to him. Diego is one of the guys who I am close with, we will often get together after dinner for a drink or share the ups and downs of community life. He has been a great help. Everyone of the guys from Italy had their family, friends in town, it was a huge party and celebration. The kids from the Barca di Pietro were there, close to 50, to see Ruben, Francesco, and Messi (Diego) receive their collars. At the party, each of them had to prepare an act to prepare in front of the 250 guests, the acts were great, and before each of them performed, there was a video introduction with a couple pictures, and silly information. The frizzies were done by video, a first for me, but a regular for the movement in Italy. It was nice because it enabled a couple of people to participate who would otherwise probably not participate in being front of such a large group. They were hilarious. My main responsibility was to keep the food moving, using the elevator from the dining hall to the entertainment hall, very similar to the Parish Hall at St. Peter’s Church, we all ate really well, and it was great to see my friends being honored for their lives, and gift of themselves to the community. Don Massimo was thrilled, and spoke at the end, expressing his gratitude for the men and their families.

7) In regards to my Italian language teacher, I received a text message from her saying that she would not be able to continue teaching me for personal reasons. I was very disappointed with losing such a fine teacher, I had learned a lot from her, and was a great authority for me. I have been without a teacher for almost six weeks now, and have not been making progress at the same rate, as when I was working with Caterina. She did give me the telephone number of a friend from the Neo-Catechumenal movement, a woman who is married she highlighted in the text message. I will start again, and continue working on learning this wonderful language.

8) Winter exams and studying together during the final weeks of January and into February. At the Lateran University, and at most European universities students are required to complete oral examinations. Oral examinations in front of classmates, and with classmates and brother seminarians listening in. I found it almost like a show, or theater, it is too bad I never studied Theater Arts at Saint Malachy’s. One must illustrate to the teacher, or play the card that one knows what he is talking about, regarding a series of questions the professor asks. The students get to weigh in and judge from the other students performances, where they fit in to the grading scale, and the professors tendencies, of questions asked, or material, depending on the students who precede each other. I thought this was a huge sham, and I am still not convinced that it is an adequate way to evaluate the students knowledge of the material. It is a way, and a valid way to record a mark, or a level of comprehension, but am not convinced from my personal experience that this is the best way to gauge one’s knowledge. Imagine trying to explain something in a foreign language with the professor in front of you, and not having an immediate response. Well, I will stop here. The professors were overly generous with my marks and marks in general, but I want to concentrate on what is important and that is learning the material and being able to respond to questions regarding the faith, and history of ideas when I am asked. I want to bring what I have learned with me, not just to school, but to the many interesting people I meet. Studying together proved to be an interesting experience, learning to be together with a bunch of Italians is not easy, especially when I am used to studying quietly and peacefully. However, there is genius to their madness, since they are built to speak and dialogue, their constant chatter, well conversation is a great tool to learn to express the intricate parts of argument and theory. I am more used to writing it out logically systematically, and cannot stand trying to follow a discussion when six other voices are all going at the same time. I mentioned my inability to comprehend anything when they all speak at once, and how I prefer to study in a more tranquil manner. We compromised and chose to try to work in a balanced way, this was a great help for me, and was able to make this experience a positive one. It was great to see their growth in the material, I think during the semester they all looked at me a little funny, because I would attend all classes, and not remain at home, very un-Italian. However, we have discussed how positive this experience was, and want to study together during the semester, and not merely wait until the end, when we got to prepare for exams. I am much happier to know that I will not be alone in class this semester, but will be with my guys, that we can stand together, well sit and listen to our professors.

9) Reading Ratzinger’s discourses on the priesthood was great, two of his addresses were given at St. Augustine’s seminary in Toronto. The book was recommended to me by don Massimo, after I had asked him about Ratzinger’s writings on the nature of gift, and the priesthood, how we are called to make the gift of self, and participate in the one priesthood of Christ. The book was top notch and I ate it up over the course of two weeks. Two other interesting books were the letters exchange by Therese of Lisieux and a seminarian named Maurice, and a little book my sister Marie gave on Fatherhood and the Family. Much more could easily be written, but I want to stop here.