Testimony for April 2009

Testimony for April 2009
John Roderick
May 5, 2009

What a treat it was this afternoon to learn that the in house symposium on Anselm’s Cur Deus homo? was postponed to Thursday evening. Following a ten lap run in the park, and a digestivo drink with a couple of the guys in first year to welcome Apolonio, a new seminarian from New Jersey, I am afforded this time to write. I also invited don Jonah to play a game a cribbage, and we will be playing later in the week.

The month of April was very different from all the previous months since arriving back in late August for the Rimini Meeting. The theme or the heart of the month was one of digesting the events and many experiences of the previous months, the bumps and bruises, laughs and cries, songs and funny dance moves, smiles and tears, the confusion and enlighteness, asking, ignoring and being with God. That was a mouth full, however don Carron mentioned at the spiritual exercises the importance of our humanity, how everything we judge passes through our freedom and ability to reasonably be in front of everything we live. One of the things I have learned is to be more honest and in front of my heart, of how I am moved, what I am attracted to, and what makes me experience being free and being myself. Also to really ask the heart while being in front of everything that I have been living these months, whether I think this is the path God is calling me to, and the path I want to follow for my life. Very big questions, however very important ones that require me to give everything I have and am, to be in front of them, all of my experience and history, all of my friendships and dreams and hopes for my life. God really asks us to sift everything we live through this complex matrix of experiences, and to make a reasonable and free judgment. Having all of this on the heart can be a wonderful thing, but also at the same time a very heavy burden to carry. The question of one’s destiny and the path one wants to live out one’s relation with the Mystery don’t implicate only part of man, but hit home at the very heart of my being. It is almost a little scary to really seek to be present to this interior part of my life, however, it is here where my peace, freedom and joy will be fulfilled. There is a great sense of freedom as well, knowing that the heart is not merely a subjective experience, but in its most profound sense is truly objective. One cannot determine how one is going to react and be in front of one’s experiences and what one wants to live, how one sees and judges the world. Carron constantly refers back to the example of the pair of shoes, we are given these experiences, and especially those concerning our vocation, to really see if the shoe fits, whether we are free and able to run, to be ourselves and experience fulfilment and joy, and true liberty.

I am often drawn back to the experience of Adam and Eve in the garden in the Genesis stories, and his ability to recognize Eve as being the correspondence of everything he was looking for. “At last!!!” he shouted out. I think I am blessed as well, being a runner and having a lot of experience in various types of running and dress shoes. I am reminded of my dear mother, and the many pairs of shoes she has picked up over the years, and I am sure she knows full well, which pairs correspond to her given foot size. If life were only this easy, if only we could avoid all the confusion we create for ourselves. However, that is all part of the wonderful package of being human. And how everything has been given for us to come to a better understanding of what we are looking for, and to grow in His awesome love for our lives.

The month began with a bang, 1) a wonderful visit from my parents to the Eternal City from Wednesday April 1st to Saturday April 4th. 2) Another surprise visit from a friend in Canada occurred that Saturday evening when Laura Galbraith from Victoria, British Columbia arrived for a conference in Rome during Holy Week. 3) Palm Sunday, April 6th, I left for Milano, initially having some trouble at the Fiumicino airport, and then a wait at the Milano airport. 4) Holy Week was spent with my friend from first year Carlo Zardin and his lovely family at a town in the periphery of Milano called Canegrate. Easter Sunday following a lovely Easter brunch at Carlo’s aunt’s house, and meeting his mother’s side of the family, I returned to Rome, and more trouble at the airport. 5) Easter Monday, April 14th I left for Santiago, Spain for the Camino di Santiago de Campostella, a 120km hike to the tomb of St. James the Apostle. 6) How could I forget my dear sister Marie Claire’s birthday on April 18th, firing off an email at the hotel we were staying at and checking the scores from the NHL playoffs, and what a about those Toronto Blue Jays. 7) Arriving home to the house of formation on Monday April 21st, it was a wonderful experience to receive letters from Marie Claire from Miami, and from my dear Mother, and the Poor Claire Sisters, I remember being moved to the point of shedding a couple of tears, and writing a couple of pages in the ol’ diary-journal. 8) On Friday April 24th we left for Rimini to attend the Spiritual Exercises for the Fraternity of Communion and Liberation, getting lost on the road and visiting Dall’Agata’s ol’ stompin grounds. Here I was blessed to run into Steve Brown and his wife, good friends from CUA in Washington. 9) Returning back to Rome Sunday evening April 26th with a presentation the following day on the nature of Implicit Philosophy in the encyclical Fides et Ratio, a wonderful presentation put together with Giuliano Visconti. 10) As well on Monday, I met with don Jonah, who helped me to better understand some of my difficulties and frustrations, and encouraged me to become more of a protagonist in growing friendships with the guys in the house. 11) Wednesday April 29th we held our monthly house meeting, il famoso incontro della casa. 12) Thursday April 30th I was blessed to go with don Massimo for a walk near the Lago del Sole, with Francesco Faccini. 13) The month officially ended on Thursday, however, I would write a Greek house, translation from John’s Letters in the New Testament Friday afternoon, and welcome Appolonio to the house, picking me up at the airport with Benetti. Friday was a Holiday in Rome, celebrating St. Joseph the worker. 14) There were also a couple of important School of Community meetings, and a serata with Benetti and DiPietro for graps, aka grappa. Learning about Francesco Ferrari going to Canada and Benetti to Washington. Learning that my brother was accepted into university, receiving a baby picture from Agata and Brian, good friends from Washington, DC.

1. My parents visit to Rome was wonderful. I was a little anxious the weeks leading up to their arrival and visit to the house of formation. I often thought about what I would tell them about each, and every guy in the house, my personal judgement and reflection on what I have lived with them, and what I have learned being observant of them in the daily life of the house. Leading up to their arrival, I sent them a couple of pictures, and let them know about how awesome the weather would be. Their last two trips to Rome were met with crappy weather, and they were expecting the same. I even remember praying that everything would go according to God’s plan, and hoping that included warm weather. I really wanted to show them around the house, and especially the park, where the trees and plants that we planted last year are located. I left the house during the later part of the afternoon, getting a drive from Paga Bones to the Battistini metro station. I was to meet them at the Termini station, and then take them over to Macenate Palacio. My parents were to arrive in Genova early Wednesday morning, and then take the train down to Rome. We were a little disorganized with the train arrival times, and I had to wait at the Termini station, having arrived for the early train which my parents were hoping to take. However, that enabled me to take in a Mass at Santa Maria Maggiore, and do silence in this beautiful church. I also stopped in to the hotel, and let them know, warn them of my parents arrival. When they arrived, it was flippin’ sweet, to see my dad in his funny looking hat and poncho, and mom with her arms ready for a big hug. It was very special. It had begun to rain, drizzle a little bit, and I initially thought that we would take a taxi to the hotel, but mother quickly chirped up, and said “get moving”. There is something almost too special about a mother, that knows how to motivate and get her boys, and men to work. She takes no crap, and no laziness. At times I find I am lacking this type of presence in my life at the house of formation, almost like I tend to fall into a laziness or laissez faire attitude about many things. Upon arriving to the hotel, mom wanted to get right back out to the streets to get some shopping in. However, I convinced the both of them to relax, and that I would go to the corner grocery store and pick up some wine, cheese, and flatbread. We spent a lovely evening relaxing, sharing Christmas gifts, and other nice treats that my parents picked up for me during their travels. We watched and learned about the shooting in New York, which was quite sad to learn that at least 11 families lost a child to a shootout.

Thursday morning I met my parents for breakfast at the hotel, and afterward we visited the Redemptorist church where the oldest icon of the Our Lady of Perpetual Help is located, another basilica across the street where part of the column where Jesus was flagellated is located, and where the University of Dallas choir sang during their Christmas tour. We walked down via Merulana which is the main street between Santa Maria Maggiore and San Giovanni Laterano, popped into one of the many Catholic bookstores where the Fraternity of San Carlo has a little discount, and then off to the John Paul II Institute. It was necessary to take my dad into the secretaries office, to pick up a candy or two, and then we bumped into don Jose Noriega, who dad vaguely remembers from the Institute conference. Mom and dad then proceeded to the JPII library, where dad would prepare for school of community, and mom, well I think she hit up confession. Say what, confession. I later run into one of my friends from Cameroon who I met at the Institute conference, and he would later go to the library and meet my parents. It is hard to express and give thanks in concrete ways for all the wonderful and incredible gifts, experiences, and love my parents have given and continue to give me. However, I enjoyed showing them around as best as I possibly could. School of community was a real hoot, I did on the fly translation for dad, and translated a comment dad wanted to give. It was nice to have my parents meet all the guys who study together at the Lateran, and to see the guys try to speak to them in English, for many of them it was a realization of what it must be like for seminarians from afar who come to the Fraternity. The car ride to Boccea, they piled into our large vans and made the half and hour trek to the house of formation. I was very happy for them to enter into what I live. Pranzo with don Massimo and don Jonah was very special, my parents were very free and I think they were both able to half a better understanding of what I am looking for, in following this proposal for my life. I was also very happy for my superiors for them to see a little bit more of my life, to enter more fully into the logic of my person. Mom and dad were great, so loving, playfully teasing and taking it all in, at times I felt like we were a family from the sticks, middle of nowhere Canada, but I loved it, seeing the love and friendship which I am a reflection of. We later toured the park, and met many of the staff, the cooks and cleaning responsible. After a short rest, there was a holy hour and Mass, followed by supper with the guys in first year. Mom and dad were great, being themselves, and I felt free to reveal and bear witness to the font of my being. We laughed and told stories, I got a little embarrassed but translated everything mom and dad said as best as possible. It was a lot of fun translating. They brought Ganong’s chocolates for desert, and a Peller Estates Ice Wine gift for don Massimo. I was very pleased with the day, and to reveal my life and the people that have been given to me.

Friday morning, again began meeting up at the hotel for breakfast. It was a real treat to eat on top of the roof of the hotel where the Institute had their party at the JPII Institue 25th anniversary conference. I had to run to class, and was originally planning on meeting my parents at St. Peter’s Square to go and attend the book launch for don Massimo’s new book on don Giussani. I left Jonah a note during the morning asking whether I could meet up with my parents after the pranzo dell’anno, and he responded in the morning saying I could meet up with my parents after class and spend the day with them. After the medieval class I got on my horse and ran down via Merulana to the hotel, however, my parents had just left about 25 minutes previously. I decided to check Santa Maria Maggiore before returning to the Lateran to get a ride home if they were not there, however, I met up with them at Mass, a nice little treat. We would leave our belongings at the hotel room, and prepare our tour of the city. We began by getting off near Piazza del Popolo hoping to see the Caravagio’s, unfortunately the Church was closed. After picking up a couple of slices of pizza, we went to have lunch at the Villa Borghese, the climb was a little difficult for my parents. It is hard to believe that I have to take that into consideration, but it was hot as well. After sharing pizza, an apple, and the left over cheese and flat bread we continued on. We walked to the Spanish steps, and the first McDonald’s in Italy, and then to the Trevi Fountain where mom shopped and dad and I tried to find ways to pick up coins that were super glued to the pavement. We sat and relaxed at the fountain, and walked a little bit looking at some of the vendors and their goodies. There was a little frustration in the air, and understandably, we each had purchased an unlimited metro pass for the day, and we were doing a lot of walking, what’s up with that my dad kept saying. It is nice to recognize that my parents are human, and can get frustrated and cranky, it helps me to better see their humanity, and neediness. Dad laid down at the Pantheon for a couple of minutes putting his hat over his eyes, while I purchased gelato’s for mom and I. We later got on the train and went to the Ottaviano station to hear the book launch with Cardinal Ruini, vicar of the diocese of Rome. I again did a little translation, but a minimal amount since there were a lot of people in the hall at the Urbaniana University, which is located beside the North American College and the Genicolo. Supper included going to the restaurant where mom and dad took Nick Newmann, and the Ridlers close to their hotel, it was a real treat. We talked and argued about a couple of things, drank some good wine, and ordered more food than we thought we were going to get. Dad, as usual picked up the conto, and we proceeded back to the hotel for our farewell. It was a little sad, but also very encouraging. They are happy that I am here, seeking to better understand the attraction I have to communion and liberation, and friendship with the priests of the Fraternity of San Carlo.

2. My friend Laura Galbraith arrived Saturday April 4th from Ottawa to spend Holy Week in the Eternal City with a large group of students from around the world, who were in Rome for a conference on Education. I still remember receiving a mailed survey from her, for the paper she was writing regarding the quality of education in various countries. Hard to explain all that was involved in the survey, but during the time when I received it, I had been reading a Wendell Berry book my sister had sent me for Christmas. The book presents a vision of contemporary culture and its economic and utilitarian driven presuppositions, from the perspective of a Kentucky farmer. Funny story made short, I got an email a couple of days before Laura arrived with the specific details of where she was staying, and found out that she was staying in a similar type of complex to the one where I live, an international welcoming house attached to a religious formation house. She was staying a grand total of 8km from via Boccea, and required a mere two buses to arrive. I left the house after phoning the complex and finding out that the group from Canada and USA were on their way after being at the airport most of the day. I arrived at the complex, and spoke into a little voice security microphone, making my request to visit a friend from Canada, and that I was a seminarian living a community on via Boccea. The religious sisters were excited to have a young seminarian at the house, I think they were initially a little worried about a man entering the property, but upon entering I greeted them with my best Italian. It has been almost two years since I last met with Laura in Saint John, and we had lots to get caught up on. She is a good friend of Lita and Dave’s and was at their wedding. I left here a couple of pointers on what to see, and a map, and little magazine of what to do and see while in Rome.

3. The next day was Palm Sunday, and following a procession into the chapel with olive branches from the statue of Saint Joseph in the park, don Konrad celebrated the Mass. There were only a handful of us at the house on Sunday, since most went home for the Holy Week leaving early Saturday morning. After Mass, I packed up and got ready to go to Milan where I would spend Holy week with Carlo Zardin and his dear family. Davide Matteini drove me to the airport, where I was to catch an EasyJet flight at 13:30. Funniest story in the whole world. I went to the EasyJet sign in, and showed them my emailed ticket, and they told me to go through security. While going through security, one of the guards looked at my ticket in a funny manner, and I did not think anything of it. I went through all the bells and whistles of security, and had no more difficulties with the ticket, and sat down and relaxed, and prayed midday prayer. When it was my turn to get on the plane, after showing them my e-ticket, they said that I needed another boarding pass, and that the emailed ticket would not get me on the plane. There was another gentlemen, who had the same thing happen to him. I was a little annoyed, since I was going to meet my friend Carlo’s family in Milan, and they would have been expecting me at the airport. I went to the EasyJet desk, and let in to them a little, if you know what I lean, but they would not have anything to do with it, taking no responsibility whatsoever, even after explaining the circumstances, and that they told me to go through security with the emailed ticked. I had to buy another ticked, and a phone card for the cell phone, to call the family. The next flight was not for a couple of hours, which really annoyed me, but gave me the opportunity to read, and write a couple of postcards to friends, and family members. I arrived into Milan at 20:30, and Carlo was out with his family eating at a benefactor’s house, and were not able to get me at the airport until 2200. I took it easy, and did my best to stay cool. When Carlo and his parents arrived at the airport, I was overjoyed that I was going to get our of the airport environment, and arrive at a nice home. The week spent at Carlo’s was a very relaxing experience, we took it easy, and saw many of the important sights in Milan. Carlo’s grandmother lives at the house, and I would go and visit her once a day for coffee, either first thing in the morning or in the late afternoon. Carlo’s father, Danilo, is a history professor at the University of Milan, his mother, Luisa, is a stay at home mom, and runs a day care for 4 children in the mornings, and his sister Cristen, studies arts at the University of Milan. The name of the little subdivision, town, is called Cannegrate, and is approximately a half hour from city by Metro. The highlights from the week in Milan were the Communion and Liberation University Student spiritual exercises at Certosa, and Good Friday Way of the Cross at Caravaggio, visiting the tomb of don Luigi Giussani, and the Duomo Cathedral of Milano. We met up Reuben and Diego at Reuben’s parents house for a movie. The Easter Vigil Saturday evening was a lot of fun, Carlo and I were the main altar servers along with a group of close to sixteen younger ones. We were vested in subdeacon vestments, which made us look really official. We attended the Easter Sunday Mass, and helped out the parish priest. During the week, we took a road trip to Venegono, the diocesan seminary for Milano, and where don Giussani did his seminary formation. One of the parishioners from Carlo’s parish is in the seminary there, and we linked up and spent part of an afternoon, touring the grounds, and visiting. It is huge, and at its peak had over 1600 seminary students, and 300 priests. Today, there is close to 150 seminarians. There is a really nice park near by, where Carlo and I would go for silence, and go running together. The park reminded me a little bit of the Irving Nature Park, but there was also courts for lawn bowling, and bocce, there was a nearby castle that Carlo showed me as well. On Good Friday, I ran into Francesca, who had been at the CL Canada summer vacation outside of Montreal. Luisa cooked up a storm all week, making many of Carlo’s favourite treats, and we would often have a dolce following dinner. We made it seem like treats don’t exist at the house of formation, and she wanted to treat us well, since we were only going to be home for a week. On Easter Sunday we had a lovely brunch with Carlo’s aunt and cousins and family, this would be Luisa’s sister’s home. They have hens, and I was give a couple of eggs to take back to the house of formation. I cooked up a mean omelette the following morning. The plane ride home was a little easier, only had to purchase one plane ticket, and since there were few people at the house that evening. I ended up taking the metro and bus back to the house of formation. What a long day, however, the following week would be spent together in Spain, making the pilgrimage to the tomb of St. James the Apostle.

4. We left early Monday morning from the Ciampino airport April 7th, and upon arriving to Santiago di Campostella, we immediately went into the city to find the seminary where we would be staying. Along the way, we stopped at Burger King for a feast, well, the guys got really excited about digging into some grease. The seminary where we were staying the first night, was located across from the great Church dedicated to the Apostle James. We would meet up with Ceccolini and Lorenzo, who are each doing their third year away, one in Portugal the other in Spain, as well as be the first time we were all together since leaving for the Holy Week vacation. Diego and I almost got stuck in Santiago the first morning, we were waiting for another seminarian Patto, and got left behind the group and stuck within the seminary trying to get out at six o’clock in the morning. After getting out, we booked it, ran as fast as we could to try and get caught up with the group at the bus station, we were a couple minutes late, and had to take a taxi to the airport, to catch the following bus, luckily we caught up with this second bus at the airport. I was pretty cool throughout it, but Diego was quite frustrated. The boys gave us a warm welcome upon arriving onto the bus, and stories started immediately about what went wrong. We bussed to an entrance point to the pilgrimage site, approximately 120km from the arrival at the main Church. We had Mass at a little church, and then began our journey. Everyday we would read a couple of chapters from the Gospel according to John, pray the four decades of the rosary, have the former rector Gianluca Attanasio comment and answer questions, on the readings, and have times of silence. These days were very special, and gave us a lot of time to think about the year’s events, and personal and spiritual growth. At times, I felt a little lonely, I find it difficult and frustrating when I am not involved in conversation and dialogue, at times left out, and at other times, an inability to comprehend. I offered it up, remembering what my spiritual director has told me many times, to think of my silence as a gift, that I have been given more time to listen and reflect. We watched a couple of soccer games, which is always fun seeing the boys get fired up, the meals were reasonably good. The accommodations were varied, some nights really good, others a little sketchy. The rain was a little annoying, three of the days were completely rain filled, I remember laughing at the fact of how completely drenched I was. After a couple of days in, we began singing a little bit in between the rosary and gospel reading. These were profound moments of unity, and involvement. I enjoy these very much, because I can actively contribute to the unity, and listen and follow the leader. I enjoyed writing daily in my journal, different things I learned and noticed along the trail. One day, I picked up a half dozen postcards, and wrote a couple of friends and family, telling them of my experience. I first heard of the pilgrimage from my friend Eric Brown, from the JPII Institute, who attended with some of the guys from the St. James Parish. One evening, I was able to check the playoff scores, see how the Calgary Flames and the NBA, MLB games. Upon arriving at the Church, we began the previous kilometre singing, and rejoicing for our arrival, a group of 27of us, dirty and stinky, tired, and happy, witnessing a profound awareness and excitement for our Tradition, that we are the tradition, living and rejoicing, at and with all those who have gone before us. This was great. We even walked by two Mormon’s in their suits, and ties, it was a funny contrast. In the city, a pilgrim noticed my Flames hat, and wished the team well, I met another Canadian, seeing his MEC bag in one of the coffee break points along the trail. Lots more could be said, but it will have to wait.

6. April 18th afforded me the opportunity to wish my sister a happy birthday by email. I had to wait and stay up late, since many of us were crowded around the computer listening and watching the Juventus-Milan soccer game. The Juve scored a late goal, and a group of the guys erupted with loud cheers, enough to have the superiors comment the next morning. I wrote a little note to Marie, thinking with the six hour time difference, she may read it before going to bed. That day hiking and in prayer, it was on my heart whether this is the life I am looking for, that I want to give everything I got, and follow to the best of my availability. It was difficult thinking of my family, and praying for them all day, and especially for my sister, remembering and giving thanks for the countless good times together. As well, I had learned that she had recently been accepted for the PhD program at the Institute of Psychological Studies. It is great to see her grow up, and to be with her from afar. There is a great trust, that it is God who will bring to fulfilment my vocation, and my happiness, and all I have to do is live and respond as best as I can, to how the world and my heart react. It is nature, the world, that I am in front of, my friends, superiors of the Fraternity, have been given to me, and I must give everything I got, even when it hurts, or I am down, to get back up, and ask, seek the meaning of everything that has been given to me. And trust, that the answers will be given, God is leading me to the fullness of my life. Never forget it.

7. Hard to explain what it means to receive letters from family and friends from Canada and the United States. There is something inside of me that gets really giddy, almost a reminder of who I am, my history and past friendships, an affirmation and reminder of wonderful times together, friendships, loved ones, working and running friends, friends who are getting married and having babies. It is a challenge being on the other side of the world, however it is a constant provocation to the grandeur of the presence of what I have met following Communion and Liberation. Something that I desire to share with all of the wonderful people that I have been given during these past years, and throughout my entire life. I have become much more aware, and grateful for all the people and friends that I have been given, the wonderful experiences and for all those who have come across my path during my life. It is true that God takes everything, and everyone up, everything is brought into the encounter and illumined, meaning that I have been able to recognize more and more the gift character of everything that has been given to me. Being away, and a little detached from the closeness and intimacy, and efficiency of communication, helps one to recognize more fully the nature of the presence of these others in my life, as gift. It is nice to experience the difficulty of distance as well, I do not think it would be right, if this was not difficult, being away and wondering what things may be like if I was back home or back in DC, would I be as attentive to the people I have been given, or recognize their giftedness, and the giver who has brought them into my life.

8. Rimini Spiritual exercises for the Fraternity of Communion and Liberation took place the following weekend after returning from Santiago di Campostella. The previous week I worked really hard on a presentation for the Fides e Ratio seminar that I would give the following Monday morning after the weekend in Rimini. The trip to Rimini was an adventure, missing the first exist to Firenze and having to find a way from further up the highway to Rimini, however this brought us, enabled us to pass through Forli, the home of Matteo Dall’Agata, a fourth year seminarian who teaches religion once a week at Sant’Orsola, the school where I have language classes. During the ride, we passed the town where Mussolini was born and raised, and some the buildings that he had built. It was quite an adventure driving through little town after little town, not really knowing where we were going, other than the general direction. A couple of us got sick to the stomach from all the turns and the heavy fried seafood lunch, I bet Grammy Losier would have loved it. We arrived at Rimini and stayed at a hotel near the bridge, much further down than the previous hotel I stayed at for the Rimini meeting last August. This was a much nice hotel, and much closer to the beach. Rimini has a many kilometre stretch of hotels along the beach line, and is known as the Las Vegas of Italy. I was shocked when we arrived at the Rimini Fiera, since there was close to 30 000 adults for the Spiritual exercises with don Julian Carron, with the title being Dalla Fede il Metodo, from faith the method. It was really exciting to see all the people, and meet a couple of the guys friends, families, and benefactors. It was almost like a family reunion for the whole movement in Italy. The lessons were great, with a strong emphasis on correspondence, what does it mean that something corresponds to the needs of the heart, and why is it that we often stray away from it, and reduce it to mere sentimental values, to what I like and dislike. Carron helped us to recognize that everything is given, nothing is left out, that all of our circumstances are given to play, make use of our freedom and reason, that everything passes through the flesh. We are a concrete person, created and given the tools, the heart, reason and freedom, to judge and be infront of the world, of all or circumstances, and difficulties. If we are to take this seriously we must judge everything, and not let any circumstance be outside of our relationship with the Mystery, if we do this we fall into categories often categorized by modern philosophy to reduce the Mystery to when and where I want to see Him. We thus decide where he is to be, and when he is to come and move us, however, we have been educated and know that he is present in all that we do, he is our circumstances in some mysterious sense, making himself present and available in all that we do. The positivity and giveness of the world must be the foundation of our judgement, not what is lacking or what we would like to have and see, but what and who has been given to us concretely. Saturday morning I had a little difficulty getting in, since I left my pass at the hotel in the breast pocket of the shirt I was wearing, the security was a little tight, but luckily the lady that stopped me Francesco Faccini’s aunt, and after explaining that we were in first year together she let me in. I was very surprised Saturday afternoon seeing Steve Brown and his wife, Donatella, who were at the exercisese, they and their kids are in Italy for the year, staying with Donatella’s family. It was a real treat to get caught up, and learn that they and their family are well. He was very instrumental in getting me involved with CL, inviting me to his house for dinner, and having spent the night at his house before flying to the diaconia in Boston. I had a wonderful afternoon with Umberto on the beach Saturday afternoon reviewing the lessons from Carron, and asking a couple of questions about vocation stuff, and relationships with the other seminarians, and superiors. He has been a great help during these months. On Sunday after the final session, Andrea Aversa and I were invited to sit down with don Massimo and a group of others who had already finished eating their pranzo. We were a little hesitant since we had arrived with a group of others, and that the others who were with don Massimo, had already finished and were getting ready to leave. After sitting down, no more then thirty seconds later, the whole group led by don Massimo got up and left. It was a funny experience that left the two of us shaking our heads, sitting at a table for close to fifteen, with thirteen places with empty dishes and Aversa and I at the end of the table. However, before leaving we had a lovely chat with don Massimo and another one of the founders of the community. They were teasing one another about the first years of the fraternity. Don Massimo was on fire with jokes, and teasing, and we were all loving it. He knew a lot of the people who were checking out of the hotel, and made comments, and references to their past friendships. A lot of fun.

9. Working with Giuliano Visconti, what a surprise a couple of weeks can make for a friendship to be flipped upside down, and be renewed. Well, all I can say as at the start of the year this guy gave me a very difficult time, and we barely talked for most of the year. However in Spain we were in the same room together at one of the really nice hostels, one of the new ones, and I remember asking him to pray mid afternoon prayer together. I said, after we finished in the bathroom, I proceeded to wait close to forty five minutes for him to do his business, and was tempted many time to just get up and leave, pray alone. However, after waiting we prayed the hours together, and it seemed to be almost like a TSN turning point for our friendship. We would then be together for the next couple of nights in the same room, talk a little bit during the day hiking, and we had a good experience working together on our seminar project. This has been a wonderful sign of hope for my life, to see the newness, the concreteness of the new life and growth, from something that was so difficult to seeing the flesh of this man’s heart, he really is human, and capable of friendship. It is nice to see how are often narrow preconceptions and judgments of situations can be torn open by his love and grace, by a surprise encounter, something that opens us up to a new dimension, that we cannot create and think up ourselves. I see a lot of this, well similar situations throughout the year, a surprise event that changes or helps me to better see the realty of what is in front of me. It is nice to be corrected, and to trust that reality, well, the Master of Reality, the Mystery, can work and open, renew and transform our narrow and limited categories by which we understand the world, ourselves, and our friendships with others. It is funny how we impose our views and perceptions on the world instead of allowing it to speak for itself. This is the importance of silence, to help us make memory of what we live, and to judge things from a renewed perspective.

10. I had a nice meeting with don Jonah the Monday following the Rimini meeting. It was a little difficult to express honestly some of the difficulties that I had been having, and the struggle with relationships with other seminarians and the superiors. Why is it that I don’t feel free with these people? A very hard question to ask, and reveal, and be in front of. I am sure that I am not entirely happy with everything that I have lived this year, the difficulty with being patient with others, myself and with God, why I have a difficult time being with others, and don’t feel that I can be myself, that people have a difficult time getting to know me, and being with me, not being invited to do things with the guys when there are events and things that I would like to do or go see. I cant stand not being invited, and struggle with aloneness and at times feel isolated. I have never felt this way before in my life, and don’t like it. I mentioned something that I learned at school of community, to really ask and demand friendship and presence from others, that if it is true it will unfold accordingly. Also the positivity of everything that has been given, nothing has been given to me that is not to be a help to better understand my life, and the mission to grow in my love for God and others. To love and be more generous despite some of the difficulties I am having. It is difficult experiencing a lack of presence of others, like I am only understood on a superficial level, and the desire to be known, for others to be with me, and for me to be able to be valued, and for my life to make more sense, and for me to be free. I want to live with passion, a foundation, and be excited about life, and the proposal of the fraternity and the people I have been given to live with. I have been begging and being attentive, and doing what I can to be with the others, in order for me to better see the grandeur and beauty of this life. It is my hope that my humanity, my heart and freedom, will be renewed with an excitement for this life. A love that can help me to be more free, and enable my humanity to flourish. That has been my prayer for the past couple of months and weeks.

11. I went for a nice walk with Francesco Faccini and don Massimo, to one of his favourite walking trails. The famous lago del sole, where Mussazi and I would run. It was nice to be together, and be in the woods and brush together. It started to rain a little bit, and while going back to the car, it cleared up and we continued up a little hill, where Mussazi showed me horses on our first long run together. We were talking about studying methods, and how to retain the argument of particular books and chapters. I mentioned that it is particularly difficult in Italian, but was more capable when reading and following the logic of the argument in my native language. We laughed when I told that I see many of the guys with whole books underlined, almost as if they were bought that way. I find that I underline a lot more, now that I am in Italy than previously, seeing my brothers constantly get their pencil and ruler out. It was nice to spend this time together, and we chatted a little bit about the vacation for the first years in the mountains with our superiors.

A lot could be written, but I will leave that for my personal journal and memories.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers,
JR