Witness for the Month of May

Testimony for May 2009 John Roderick
June 16th 2009

It is difficult to find words to express the rollercoaster that presented itself to me during the month of May at the house of formation. However, looking back on these difficult weeks as I begin my summer period of rest enables me to better understand what I was living, the questions I was asking, the difficulties that presented themselves to me, the frustrations and as well the pre-conditions and pre-judgments I was imposing on what I was living and who had been given to me to be with. Thinking about writing this testimony for the last couple of days led me the idea of the weight of one’s destiny, and how our complete self and person, everything we got is at stake and at play, all the chips we got and all the cards we have been dealt are in play, nothing is left out. The mysterious nature of our freedom, of the need to be and stay in front of everything we live, and how we need to filter and judge everything with the criterion of our hearts, our reason and freedom, as Carron highlighted over and over again at the recent Spiritual Exercises at Rimini. How everything passes by way of our humanity, reason and freedom rightly educated, and how we can’t go wrong saying yes and being obedient to reality.

A couple of the keys by which I came to be more patient, and more able to be with what I was living was the companionship of certain friends and family members, words spoken at school of community during the year and our year end assembly, the weekly Friday lunch with the guys in first year with our superiors, and the help and direction of my spiritual director and priest friend from Washington, DC. I can never forget the calls home, letters and encouragement given to me by my dear family and friends.

The month of May will be remembered for many interesting facts and happenings: 1) The arrival of Apolonio from the house in Washington, as well as finishing up my Greek exam that same afternoon, 2) Taking in the first Regina Caeli of the month with Carlo Zardin, and catching up with his parents who welcomed me during Holy Week in Milano, 3) The guitar concert by Pietro Bonaguri in the chapel at the house of formation, as well as picking up a couple things for Apolonio (case for breviary and plug converter), 4) The first year in-house symposium on St. Anselm’s Cur Deus homo?, and the heated discussion and sharing of treats mom and dad left me upon their visit to Rome, as well as the explanation to Apolonio afterward in the park, 5) Meeting with a good friend AL from Washington who was in town for meetings with don Massimo, 6) As well, and prior, the teaching of Canadian culture and the English language to Francesco Ferrari who has been asked to spend next year at our house in Montreal, Canada, and running with Michaele Benneti who will spend next year in Washington, DC, letting him in on what sights to see and places to eat, 7) A friend’s visit to the house of formation for lunch and the opportunity to drive him back to the metro stop, Battistini, Marcello Lavin, 8) Following the Holy Father’s visit to the Holy Land, and daily talks with Cristof who has spent time with Fr. Vincent Nagle in Jerusalem, 9) Talking with family members about some of my frustrations with what I have lived during the year, 10) A beautiful Sunday spent working in the park with a small group of guys from the house, and a couple of potential seminarians for next year, and the huge BBQ afterward to celebrate the work completed, 11) Talking with my spiritual director about my precious discussions with AL, and some of the difficulties I have had, 12) Jonah Lynch’s presentation of the art exhibition and display put together on the life of St. Paul at the Lateran University, 13) The birthday party for Gianluca Attanasio, huge dinner party and frizzies, and the whole kitten caboodle, 14) The arrival of my good friend from Saint John, New Brunswick, Rafal Szyminski, 15) More working in the garden, and seeing new life and growth in particular friendships, 16) don Julian Carron’s visit to the house and meeting with all the seminarians in the afternoon for the monthly Incontro delle Case, a teleconference with all of our houses around the world, as well as booking my plane ticket to come home for the summer following the Fraternity Vacation during the end of the month of July, 17) the meeting with all the heads of the houses in Europe the previous week, and working and preparing my judgment for my spiritual director, 18) Preparing and diving into the history of the Church during the 11th and 12th centuries to adequately prepare for the in-house symposium on St. Thomas Aquinas’ Summa Contra Gentilles, 19) The assembly led by don Jonah Lynch at the Lateran University to close the year of school of community, 20) Kristen K’s dad and brother’s visit the house, and chance to share and have a meal with them, and welcome them to Rome, 21) Week spent at Porchiano to prepare for exams and end of year last day of classes at the Lateran for first year, as well as Porchiano being a good measuring stick to see how we have grown together in our ability to stay together and live a common life without the direct supervision of our superiors, 22) Sports, that’s right, trying to follow the NHL hockey playoffs as they were wrapping up, and moving ever so close to the Stanley Cup Final, the NBA and MLB, as well as the Giro Italia, which is the equivalent to the Tour de France, 23) To end the month, a night out on the town with Raf, and surprisingly missing the last metro and having to get picked up at the Lateran University by a close friend, and guy that always knows how to get me out of trouble when it arises, Umbe. 24) Arriving home from Porchiano and having a letter in my mailbox from my best friend Joe Trainor. 25) Cutting lawns at Porchiano with Umbe, Magnum icrecream and Niccola.

A lot of events and happenings are mentioned above, and it would almost be impossible to write and describe each in their fullness and interconnectedness, however there is something special about, since it enables there to remain an element of mystery, and humility in front of what has been lived. In a certain sense, I want to express that my comprehension of what was lived during these difficult weeks is something that still needs to mature and grow within me, and am sure the understanding that I am looking for will only be revealed in time, through being patient and being in front of the Mystery asking for illumination, and peace and clarity.

A couple of things that were a great help to better understanding these events and happenings, were reading the Religious Sense, as well as the recent Spiritual Exercises From Faith the Method, and the chapters on Charity and Sacrifice near the end of Luigi Giussani’s Is it Possible to live this Way?, as well as the constant reflection on the generosity and love of God the Father, that everything including the people I have been asked to live with have been give to me and for me, for the education of my freedom and humanity. It was a special treat to have Apolonio arrive, since it enable me to relive my initial experiences when I first arrived last spring. To re-read my entrance and welcome into the community of the Fraternity of St. Charles as I helped to acquaint Apolonio with the daily life, and Italian culture, way of thinking and of doing things.

1. It is hard to express what the arrival of Apolonio has meant for me during these past weeks since his arrival. I remember mentioning to my spiritual director that I was very happy to welcome him with a warm Roderick welcoming. And explained how our family tends to welcome us back home after we have been away at university or summer camp. It is wild thinking about how I have taught to welcome people, in particular from the experience of the women in the family, and also recognizing that men don’t really know to welcome someone, we are good at a lot of other things, but it seems to me we need to learn to welcome, the nature of welcoming and all that it entails from women. What a treat to go out of my way and get to know a fellow American and friend of many of my friends in Washington, from the CUA School of Community and Communion and Liberation. I really enjoyed hearing his stories of our common friends as we walked in the park, sat together at dinner time, and explained things or translated to him when he did not understand. It was great to go together to Charity work, and be reminded of the generosity I received from the elderly people and Fred Proux and Marco Margiotti, who went out of his way to get me settled and make me feel welcome. For me charity work was a great school for the Italian language, the people were ever so patient with me, and more importantly of gratuity and learning to be together and staying in front of another who is much different and who is suffering and approaching death. I had a lot of fun introducing Apolonio to my friends at the elderly home, nice to share and open my friendships with them, making space for another. It was great to see Apolonio grow and become more at home at the house of formation and with the other guys at the house, and his sense of humour is beginning to flourish and many of the guys are taking a real friendship and liking to him. It is nice to let him be, I remember at first trying to understand what should I do and not do for him, knowing that he has to learn things for himself and experience being late, and forgetting the time schedules. As the weeks past, his familiarity and comfort grew exponentially, and this helped out friendship as well, we have been able to share what we live, and our past history together. I am a little envious, probably not the right word, but of his experience living with the house in Washington for the year, an experience I do not have and would have liked to have had. To understand this better, I would say I wish I had better relations and friendships with the priests in north America. It has been a lot of fun working in the park together, I remember the first thing I learned about Apolonio from Steve Brown at Rimini, was that Apolonio is super bright but extremely limited with his hands. He has showed an interest in helping out with the work in the park and working side by side Jonah and I, which has been a real treat.

2. The in-house symposium on Anselm’s Cur Deus homo?, was a heated affair with much discussion and debate on the work and interpretation of the text. Why did God have to become man, an argument presented by Anselm purely based on the use of right reason, and often interpreted as a form of rationalism, however he always seeks to use reason, and the rational character of the faith within the structure and history of the Church, it is always already presupposed in his arguments for the existence of God and his writings on man’s freedom and friendship with God. I was able to offer the chocolate cookies to the guys and two superiors that my parents brought for me during their visit to Rome, which was nice. It is always nice to offer something concrete and to see the others receive it and enjoy the snack. Lots of discussion on the nature of the text, and I was speaking about the importance of the fact that God has created us differently from everything else that has been created, that we have been created and willed for our own sake, for an intimate and free friendship with God, and how all of creation is ordered to this friendship and is supposed to be taken up within it. The heart of the text revolves around the nature of friendship, love and freedom, and how man freely chose to turn away from God and look at himself by committing the first sin, and how the only way to adequately restore this friendship, a God-man had to re-reveal the meaning and nature of the original and free friendship with God, and friendship based on the free conformation of one’s will to the Father. The heated discussion arose by me making a referral to a very important footnote in the text, that gives what I think the most important key to understanding the work itself. One of the guys complained and flipped out because he did think my interpretation and reading of the text was adequate, and that my ideas came from a secondary source. Afterward in the park I explained the nature of the discussion and debate to the new American seminarian Apolonio, who studied philosophy at Rutgers University prior to arriving in Rome. Everyone enjoyed the treats, and I was proud to mention that they had come from Canada only a couple of weeks prior.

3. The meeting and discussion with my friend from Washington would be the main key to preparing the terrain and further reflection for the complete month. Having known him for a couple of years, and studying with him at the John Paul II Institute and through our friendship and discussions during this time, led me to inquire and ask about coming to visit the Fraternity last May and June, and afterward asking to enter the first year novitiate program. Walking in our park one late afternoon, I was able to give my personal judgment and reflection on the year, of everything that I had lived and experienced at the house of formation. I remember mentioning the sincere attraction to the vision of the community of the Church and the priesthood, of communal live and way of following and living the life of the Church, a real attraction and desire to follow his and don Massimo’s vision and experience of God and the Church. However, at the same time expressing a real frustration with the common life together, the concreteness of daily life and friendships with the guys and superiors, the studies at the Lateran University, and at times a completely different mindset and approach to certain aspects of life. The question, how do I live this life, and how do I learn to love a culture and way of doing things that is completely different from my own personal experience, how do I become friends with these guys, and learn to love to stay together? A lot of tricky questions that I don’t have all the answers to, and my understanding will only grow in time. I expressed the uncertainty of whether I want to come back next year, to continue this path and work of discernment. It is frustrating at times and sometimes the frustration and loneliness results in a lot of tension carried in my body, meaning physically, difficulty sleeping and tension in my back and shoulders. My friend kept telling me that many of my concerns are justifiable and real concrete concerns of the fraternity, however, at the same time to not forget the fact that the flesh is the flesh, the flesh is sinful, lazy and often very hurtful and mean, and how men don’t have the slightest clue about certain things. I don’t want to make this sound negative, but there is almost a completely different mindset and way of life, comparing the Italian to the North American mentality. A couple days afterward I mentioned everything to my spiritual director and we had a meeting together during the next couple of days, giving me some time to reflect and write about my difficulties and questions that I was having. We both agreed that I have some difficulty with the affective aspect of my humanity being fulfilled and quenched so far this year, however not to overly worry and ask and know that this is an important area that I have to grow in to live and be a part of the fraternity. It is hard to live with these desires for something more, something more, that implicates more of my humanity, freedom and experience, a real desire to be fulfilled and live in the rest that comes from the concreteness of God’s love in the form of a community. The suggestion was to work on developing friendships on a one to one level, that this work will be an important path for my maturation and personal growth within the fraternity. To grow in my sense of belonging to my brother, and through this belonging and friendship propose ways to include and offer my own personal experience and way of following and living the life of the Church. The tension during these days was incredible, letting my spiritual director in on everything, however, there is a great trust that he is here for me, and for my humanity and freedom, that he desires for me to be free and grow in God’s love for my life. I have grown in my ability to get back up when I was down, to learn to ask the Mystery for a greater sense and understanding of what I have lived, and for the experience of belonging and freedom that I am looking for. I have almost grown in my trust that the promise God the Father has made for me, of a life fulfilled and fully free, is for me, and that I am growing and moving closer everyday, and that this period was given for me, probably to grow closer to Him and closer to myself and my humanity.

4. Teaching Canadian history, culture and the English language to the seminarian who will spend next year in Canada was a real treat. I brought with me when I arrived last summer an introduction to Canadian History textbook probably used in middle school during the 40’s or 50’s, picked up at a second hand bookstore in Saint John. We would meet in the park twice a week for an hour or ninety minutes and read a couple pages, and work on pronunciation and listening skills. It was a real treat to share with him my passion and enthusiasm for Canada, and our rich history, of the French missionaries and English colonists. Unfortunately with the advent of the exam season, we had to put our lessons on hold, and will not be restarting before Francesco goes to Canada. I showed him some of the magazines my mother brought over, of the national parks across the country, as well picked up a nice history of the Church from the online catholic encyclopaedia at Newadvent.org, gave a prayer card of blessed Francois de Laval, and from the Eucharistic Congress.

5. Learning to drive a standard car in Rome, during the month of May I was able to drive quite a bit, since Jonah asked me to be ready to take him for a ride by the first of June. I had to have some lessons at our house in order to learn how to change gears, and start on a hill and reverse. This was a lot of fun, and I still remember when Umbe took me down to where we planted all the olive trees, and leaving car cracks along the path. Well, during one afternoon following lessons at the Lateran University, a friend Marcello Lavin, who words for the Cardinal head of the Congregation for the Family, and who picked me up tickets for the Papal midnight Christmas vigil, came over for lunch and to visit the seminary. It was a real treat to show his where we live, out grounds and where I like to go running. At the end of the day, he had to be taken to the metro stop Battistini, and Umbe and I went together for a driving lesson. He mentioned that my driving helped more than anything else to digest the amount of food he ate at lunch. And that we felt he was in a movie like Indiana Jones, driving in the backlands of some foreign country. He got to Battistini alive, with only a few stalls and stops along the way. Roman drivers are crazy and do not follow any of the same laws that we have in Canada when it comes to driving. There one rule is that you are considered a good driver if you can drive without getting hit, or hitting another car, everything else is secondary.
6. Working in the park during the month of May was a real treat, I remember praying and hoping that these would be times of personal growth and of friendship, and they sure were. Since leaving for Easter vacation, and afterward spending time at Santiago di Campostella, and the spiritual Exercises in Rimini, left the park in a mess, there was considerable growth while we were gone, since it rained quite a bit. However, that motivated us to work a couple of weekend mornings during the first weeks of May to restore the grounds and bring them up to par. It was a real treat since Jonah, Apolonio and I got to work close together cutting grass with a huge powerful week hacker and lawnmower. We also prepared to set up a water system with a series of tubes being connected that run along the ground and drip water on the soil where the tree is planted. One Sunday, we organized a huge day of work that was to be followed with a BBQ, we worked really hard weeding around all the trees and fruit plants, cutting grass and cleaning up the trails, and afterward we had the biggest BBQ of all time, tons and tons of meat, along with fresh salad that we planted early in the growing season. This was a real treat, since a couple new people joined us who don’t typically work in the garden, and some of the new seminarians who will enter next year were present, and Jonah roped them in to helping out. It was a great day, and a positive sign of new life and grown together.

7. The seminarians of the Fraternity along with Jonah put together an exhibit highlighting some of the critical aspects of the life of St. Paul for the year dedicated to St. Paul. Throughout the year the exhibition was on loan throughout Italy with many shows asking for seminarians and priests to present the artwork and display. Earlier in the year we asked the University to display it for a week, and they asked us if we could put together a little lecture and talk on the panels. Jonah came to the Lateran and presented the work and scope behind the particular illustrations, as well as a professor of biblical studies who specializes on St. Paul presented and gave a little critique. It was nice to all be together and concretely see our presence at school, through the artwork. Jonah gave a nice presentation, and many of our friends and classmates from the University joined us for the presentation.

8. The much anticipated arrival of my friend Rafal from Saint John, he arrived during the second week of May for a six week long educational experience with UNBSJ, specializing in ancient Roman history and culture, and politics, as well as contemporary Italian politics and history. It was great to have him in the city, however, we were both running on completely different schedules and community obligations, which made it quite difficult to get together. My parents had sent him some belongings for me from Saint John, a new MEC school bag, some pictures and a Canadian history book to give to the seminarian who will be going to Canada next year. Unfortunately, we had to wait almost four weeks before getting together at the end of month, going out for a drink together after meeting up at the Piazza Navona. Funny thing happened, that two of my friends from the Aquatic Center, Ben and Ellen, who I have lifeguarded and known for years, were studying with Rafal on the program, and we were all together for the night. Near the end of the night, we were getting ready to go back to take the metro, and ran into some difficulty, as could not get back to the metro’s on time, I had to call my friend and fellow first year seminarian Umbe, to come to the Lateran University and pick me up well after midnight. No questions were asked upon being picked up, and we planned to get some work in the garden the following day. Rafal and I would later meet up by chance at St. Clement Basilica following my medieval exam.

9. The study week at Porchiano, our country home in Umbria, about an hour’s drive north of Rome. All of the first year students in the philosophy program went to our country home to study and prepare for our exams during the study week leading up to exams. My exams for this semester were in Philosophy of Common Sense, Medieval Philosophy, and Philosophy of Understanding or della conoscenza. During the day we would study for close to 8-10 hours, along with a short break immediately after lunch for rest. We would go into a medieval town for Mass everyday where a Polish missionary priest celebrated Mass, along with a very long litany dedicated to our Lady, month of May. We found a couple of nice places to pick up treats, bakery, and convenience shops. As well, ran into a town party, where we found a little carnival and time machine. At times it was very difficult to stay together in such close confines for a whole week, but it was very special preparing meals, and sitting down together, discussing the work we were doing, and preparing for exams. We tried to follow the Pope’s visit to Montecassino by radio, but only came in a foreign language. This was a good period to see how far we have come and grown together during the year. A lot of progress has been made since our last trip together without a superior, lots of maturing. We ate really well, and picked our own cherries and other fruit. We burned the olive branches where the trees were pruned, and since the ground was so dry and the grass freshly cut, I almost started a huge grassfire. The boys were not impressed, but a large wind all of a sudden arose, and sent the fire along the grass like lightning. It was nice to have this time to think and pray, during silence I was reading the religious sense, and it helped me to better understand some of the preconceptions and judgments that I had been imposing on what I was living and the difficulties. We watched the Champions league final, and there was a little frustration about the food, and what we can and should do. There always seems to be little or slight misunderstandings and bouts of impatience among us. However, we are growing together. It was nice to write a couple of letters during this time. Last night at Porchiano, huge feast with Inve, Lava, Cristof, and Dall’Agata, following Mass.

10. Arriving home from Porchiano, I was surprised to see a letter in my mailbox from my best friend Joe Trainor. We spent a lot of time together growing up, attending high school together, and remained friends during our University years. He mentioned in the last email I received from him, that he had started a letter back in January or February but misplaced for a couple of weeks, and not being able to find it, restarted and wrote the one I received. Receiving a letter and knowing the effort and time that went into it, was a real treat, a real concrete testament to our friendship and many experiences we have shared together during the years. I remember reading his letter the following morning in the park, after I finished some prayers that I was too tired to say the night before, and being extremely moved. What a great affirmation of my history, and the importance and value of letters, it is wild what they can contain in themselves. A whole person, and one’s history and experience.

11. don Julian Carron came to the house to meet with the priests from Rome and southern Italy who follow the Communion and Liberation movement. These are always special occasions since we get to meet many interesting priests and get to hear Carron speak, respond to questions and give a lesson. This day was particularly special since Carron was going to be present for our International House Meeting, a meeting with the priests from all of our houses around the world. The theme was to give witness to the fact that they understood the most this past year in light of the reading of the work of school of community. I remember being very moved by some of the testimonies from all around the world, small signs of God’s presence and the re-birth of a people, a people of hope in the concreteness of Christ’s presence, and his working and passing through the friendship lived among the priests. I remember afterward feeling as though this was a gift for me, and to get back up and continue to journey forward, trusting in God’s infinite love and mercy for my life. I was a little uncertain about investing in a plane ticket, and I was moved to commit my time and money to the task and vocation at hand. This was a struggle leading up to the purchase, with some of the doubts and uncertainties, but I have decided to place it all in His hands, knowing and remembering the presence of what I met, and how I was attracted in this presence, to lead me to come to Rome and ask to seek and follow this possibility for my life.

12. During the week in which I talked to my spiritual director, all the heads of the European houses of the Fraternity were in Rome for meetings to discuss the year, and implementation of our mission and specific goals for the year. These are special days, since we often get to hear homilies and testimonies from various priests from various parts of Europe. To hear, and participate in the history and work of the fraternity is very special, and illumines the nature of the missionary house life experience, which is hard to get while in seminary. They would meet together in the park, and you could always hear them laughing and joking together. We would eat a meal together everyday usually supper, and get to talk to them, and introduce ourselves to them. It gives one great insight into the Fraternity as a whole.

13. The in-house symposium on Thomas Aquinas was an interesting experience. We were to read the first part of Book 1 of the Summa Contra Gentilles, and prepare a short paper responding to certain questions. What I can say, is that I had a profound conversion towards the person and work of Aquinas. However, this needs to be properly understood, to enter into the grandeur and importance of the work of this great thinker, one needs to adequately understand the historical circumstances, and enter into the logic of the 12th and 13th centuries, in particular the response to the invasion of heretical thinking in Western Europe and within the universities, as well as the great confusion that came along with it in regards to the translations of the works of Aristotle, and other ancient philosophers. Mediaeval history is the key to understanding the grandeur of his teachings, and without the context everything is lost, the substance that these writings stand upon are lost, and they are not taken into consideration in much contemporary Thomistic thought. I was trying to argue a particular point about Thomas being to inclined to base all of his thinking on an Aristotelian foundation, and how this was a very gutsy thing to do, considering the many councils condemnation of particular Aristotelian teachings, as well as some problems that present themselves. However, this rocked the boat a little too much. I was a little disappointed that I could not get across the profound conversion I had towards Aquinas, while at the same time, show a little bit of his shortcomings, and how the Tradition has since developed. We had a bottle of our own lemoncello afterward to celebrate the last symposium of the year. We picked the lemons back in February, and after putting it all together, had to wait a couple of months to let it ferment.

To finish off, I want to give thanks for the month of trial and difficulty, of growth and maturation of my vocation and stance in front of the Mystery. Everything is and has been given for me, for my humanity and freedom, and growth in the understanding of the important mission God has for my life. At this point, I will be with everything that I lived during this year, for the summer months and will see how everything matures and grows within me, and in what I am showed in the concreteness of daily communal life. I look forward to spending time with the guys in first year this summer, we have a two week vacation together in the Italian mountains, Santa Lucia, followed by two more weeks of work at the house of formation, and then the Fraternity vacation. Afterward, I will spend close to three weeks in Saint John, New Brunswick, and return to Italy for the Rimini Meeting.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers this summer,

Together on the Road,

JR